What am I waiting for?

What am I waiting for? This is the million dollar question today.

Why am I so unmotivated? This is the second million dollar question.

Yes, part of my life is a great big, huge mess. I know it, my friends know it.

So, what am I gonna do about it? The BIGGEST question of them all.

Now, some of my near and dear friends have been on me for MONTHS about this. They truly have the very best of intentions. They ask me questions...  Have you filed for divorce yet? When are you gonna have all your paperwork done? When will it all be finalized? and I in turn give them the most generic, non answer that comes to mind. I know that they know, I am giving them a line of shit.

So what am I waiting for? I do NOT love my ex. anymore, there is absolutely NO doubt about that in my mind. I haven't in a long time, it is over, I am DONE. So what is the hold-up? I think that deep down, I wish I could just tap my heels together, make a wish and it would all be done..finished. I wouldn't have to deal with all the stress, drama and all the fucking paperwork. That is what I wish, I know I have to do the work but for some reason I am still wishing.

Why am I so unmotivated? I am overwhelmed. Simple. I don't know what to do, where to start. I am worried about my kids, how am I going to make ends meet, how in the hell am I going to do this all by myself. God knows that the only person in my family that actually supports me is my 90 year old grandma. Bless her heart. She actually gets it. She gets that I was so unhappy that I had to do this. Not just for myself but for my kids. If I would have stayed with him, one of two things were going to happen....he was either going to kill me or I would have let him squash the light out of me forever and walked this earth as a broken, empty shell.

So that leaves me at the last question. What am I going to do about it?

My sweet friend who was on the phone with me last night has made me look at this whole situation in a new light. Did he tell me anything that I don't already know or that someone else hasn't already said to me? Nope, not at all. What he did do was talk to me like he was a jerk, (which he is definitely not!) he was blunt and laid the truth out for me at my feet. He wasn't 'nice' about it...(nice is a word that I HATE, I would rather have the real blunt truth on any given day) I have GOT to get my shit together.  I have to get this done, not just for myself but for my kids. MOST importantly for my FUTURE.....I cannot move forward until I take care of all the garbage that I am dragging around behind me..

The clouds opened up...

So, I'm at work, sitting in my office talking to my friend on the phone. He is telling me all about his complicated life and the latest developments since I had spoken with him a few days ago.

As soon as I hang up...I swear the clouds opened up, the angels sang and a beam of light came down from the heavens!! I had a complete 'ah-ha' moment as I sat there at my desk.

I have been dating the exact same guy for the last 22 years of my life! I keep repeating the pattern over and over and over, it's the exact same type of man, he just has a different name! So, I have to call my girlfriend to tell her of my latest self discovery. She says to me "Well what is your type?" I think for a second and the first thought that comes to my mind is " tall, dumb, broke and broken"

So I have been thinking about this over the weekend, taking a trip down memory lane if you will. Now, don't get me wrong, there was a few decent boyfriends over the years and some not so decent. But they really all have one thing in common, they all have the exact same flaw. They all cannot handle the real Becky, they all try to change me into something that I am not.

Let me explain....I  attract the guy that at first loves the fact that I am a very confident, independent thinking free spirt. They are attracted to the wild, crazy bitch, fun loving person that lives in the moment, says what she feels, take control of the situation person I am. What they don't see is that I am always like that, it is not an act. When they realize that is how I really am all the time it scares the shit out of them and they run the other way or they think they can somehow 'reform' me and get me to fit some mold that I don't want to be in. The very worst of them decide to just sit back, let me take the wheel and hold on tight in hopes that they make it through the ride to the end of the road.

In the end, they all try to extinguish the light inside of me.

Yes, I know this sounds a bit harsh, but I am telling you it is soooo true that it make the fuzzy place in my brain perfectly clear. I am totally seeing my world through a completely new set of eyes.

Now that I have figured this out I can no longer make excuses for myself again. I have to do better. I cannot under any circumstance keep doing this to myself.

So what I really need to seek is a guy that I have never dated before.

I need a guy that is self confident, independent, strong, who loves me for me and wouldn't change one single thing about me. I need the guy who takes me to a party, shows me off, lets me talk to whoever I want to and doesn't stand sulking in the corner. I need the guy who knows at the end of the day, no matter what, that I am going home with him and that is all he needs. I need the guy that lets me be a bitch when I want to but also knows how to be my soft place to fall when I need to. I need the guy that lets me take control and do what I want but is confident enough with himself that he can grab the wheel from me and take control too.

Most importantly he needs to feed my flame not extinguish my light.

Yup...they are blue

"Yes, I know." "Thank you!" "Really, yes I do hear that all the time!" "Yes they are real"----If I had a quarter for every time I have said those exact quotes in the last 37 years I could retire!!

Why am I saying this you ask? Because many have told me I have the bluest eyes they have ever seen.

I know this is kind of a strange blog topic. Really, I get asked about my eyes every single day so I figure I may as well just set the record straight and say my peace about it.

Yes, those are the real color of my eyes. They are not blue contacts. I have been told they are the color of the sky, that they look like water, that they are so clear you can see to my soul. (really? I think that was just a pick up line)

When I was 6 years old I was with my grandmother and we had to pick up her car at the dealership. Now, it was winter time so I had on a white fur looking coat (why I remember this I have no idea) but I am sure that the white made my blue eyes pop! We had to walk through the service department to get the car....all I remember is the guys that were working, they were going completely ape shit over me with my blue eyes, blond curly hair and that little fur coat. I really had no idea what the big fuss was about so I just stood there and smiled.

So as I grew older I realized how much guys liked my eyes and I learned to use them to my advantage.

Batting those baby blues = getting what you want.

I do know how to use them to my advantage and most of the time it really does work. I have even used them to get out of speeding tickets (45mph in a 25mph) They work for just about anything really....as long as there is a guy standing in front of me that will look me in the eye.

I had a man say to my ex one day " How in the hell can you even talk to her all day man, her eyes are totally freaking me out!!" I guess he would never be able to handle me then!

I really enjoy it when I can just stand there and get some guy totally nervous, to the point that he is dropping things, acting like a high school kid....whatever. I know that this may sound a bit conceited but I swear it is true.

I would really like is to hear a nice compliment once in awhile that is NOT about my eyes. Lets see.... nice smile, great sense of humor, or any positive comment about anything other then my eyes would be nice, just to mix it up a bit.

A person I truly consider a gentleman and friend asked me one day " Who is the lucky man that gets to look into those beautiful blue eyes for the rest of his life?"
Me, being the smart ass I am, said "What guy?"
His reply--" He is out there milady I trust that he will be found!  I trust that he is out there for you somewhere and you will someday have the same happiness that I have found for myself"

God I hope he is right!

In your life for a reason...

I have been really thinking about the people that are in or out of my life right now...


I really believe in that old saying people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.


Since my life has changed so dramatically over the last 9+ months, I can really take a step back and look at this with a new found clarity.

Do I regret one particular person being in my life? I can honestly say no. Without that experience I would not have my two fantastic children. I have no regrets at all but I am ready to move forward and get on with living the rest of my life.

I have recently had some people re-enter my life. Which I find very, very interesting.

One of them is someone that I was inseparable from years ago and cannot say why we ever drifted apart. It seems almost as if we started right where we left off, long lost sisters if you will. The time that has passed does not seem to have affected our friendship. This is really not surprising to me....a life long friend.

I have someone else that has recently found their way back to me. This person just kind of fell off the face of the earth..came back for a few guest appearances..and has now materialized out of no where. I wonder why they have shown up now? Is there more I need to learn from this person? Why them? Why now? What fascinates me about them reappearing is that I really thought I was very insignificant in their life when our paths crossed, that I was not ever thought about. According to them, I have that all wrong....I am interested to see if they are a reason or a season.

I have two very dear friends that came into my life two years ago that were meant to be with me on the very journey I am traveling right now. They both really are my rock and I honestly don't think I would have been able to get though the last year without them. They make me laugh, have seen me cry and listen to every single crazy story that I tell them. They definitely are in my life for a reason and I am grateful for them both.

Last but not least, is a friend that just entered my life by complete chance. I think they are one of the most interesting people I have met in quite some time. Something about them just intrigues me very much.

I wonder why we have crossed paths, what will I learn from them...

You define how people treat you....

My girlfriend said to me a few days ago..." Well he gets extra credit in my book cause he actually TOOK you somewhere!!"

Do I know this as the truth? Well hell YES I do! I know it as true but yet don't want to admit to myself that she is right on the money with this very comment. She said this to me because she is a REAL friend to me, she loves me, cares about me. She knows that I appreciate the honesty, she knows I would say the exact same thing to her if I needed to.

So I have really been thinking about this the last few days and have decided that WE define how people treat us.

You are the one that shows people how you want to be treated. We do this all day with every person we see. From our kids, spouse, friends, family, co-workers and every single person that crosses our path every single day.

If someone doesn't want to go out on an actual date with you in the beginning they never will. Once a booty call, always a booty call. If that is all you wanted from them, than that is fine but don't expect any take backs on the deal. Chances are you won't get it.

We all need to stop making excuses for people too. If someone says they are going to do something and don't follow thru with it, that should be a sign to you. That is the universe trying to tell you something, so don't ignore it....pay attention!! If you ignore it for too long the world will give you a big smack upside your head someday!

I used to make excuses for someone all the time...oh I bet he was just busy, maybe they worked late or were tired or had their kid...the list goes on and on and on and on!

Well no more! I deserve better. I am a fantastic person and if someone cannot see that about me then I guess they don't need to be a part of my life let alone in my bed. I am not the problem, they are the one with the problem.

If I cannot stand up for myself and demand better than who else is going to?

Tired of making decisions....

So a comment I made to my friend today really got me thinking about decisions that we make....

I make decisions all day, from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. What to wear, what to eat, where to go. I make decisions all day for work. I make decisions at home... not only for myself but for my two kids as well.

Well you know what, I am tired of it all!

Don't get me wrong I am a very self confident woman. I enjoy doing what I want to do, when I want to do it and doing it how I want it done.

But somewhere, deep down...it would be nice for just a few hours maybe even a whole day if I could stop the madness and just turn my brain to OFF! Let someone else decide what we are doing, where we should go. Hell, I would love for someone to just decide what is for dinner and cook it. I would sit down and happily eat it, not saying a word about it. ( I know you guys are thinking 'I bet she would still bitch about something, it wouldn't be right') Well, I wouldn't, I would eat it and keep my mouth shut!

How did we as women get this way? I really have no idea. Is it the control that we seek over everything that makes us this way? Have the people in our life just gotten lazy and are incapable to decide anything? Are we afraid to let a man decide something for us? Do we not trust our children to make any decisions either? This cannot be healthy for them. Are we going to raise an entire generation that can't decide anything?

Well, as of today, I have decided that the next time someone asks me to make a decision on something I am going to tell them to make it and see what happens. What could be the worst thing that could happen? I would have to give up control of something?  It could turn out to be a total disaster but it could also turn into something fun, different, exciting, new...........

Day 2 of this weird blog thing that I am not sure why I am doing but here goes...

I've been working on moving some of the nosey and/or non-supportive people out of my life right now as well as off my FB page. If someone can't accept the decisions that I have made for my own happiness than screw them!! I am just so sick of it all to be honest. I just want to live my life and have fun doing it...life is too short. We should all try to live in the moment more than what we do. Take a chance and let life happen. I am not saying we should just go crazy and do whatever the hell we want by any means. I just want to laugh and have some fun now and then. I want to feel alive!

I was told by someone yesterday that I am a ball of energy..full of life. Really, I have to agree with them on that one. I think that is why I am a people magnet...the girls at work say I have 'fairy blood' and that is why I attract all of the unique friends I have in my life. Like I am Sookie on True Blood or something!!

I do love people. I love to talk to them, learn their story, see what makes them tick, ask questions. I think that I thrive on being around people. People just energize me. When I am around people is when I am really the happiest.

I think that a certain someone who is no longer in my life knew that I had a love for people and they would try to keep me away from everyone just to keep me in their 'world'. They used to hate how I had friends that wanted to be around me, wanted to hang out and go places with me. That is one of the reasons they are my past and not my future.

People can judge me, say what they want to about me...I am at the point that I really don't care anymore. It is my life and I am going to live it the way I want to. I sometimes wonder to myself if things I do are a little over the top, am I acting my age? But really, you are only as old as you feel. I am by no means 'old' so why should I act like I am?

I guess that one thing I have held onto through my life is my unpredictablness..is that even a word? I am unpredictable, not by just the things I do but the things I say. You never know what is going to roll out of this mouth of mine. Sometimes I am not sure why the things that come out of it do or even where they come from. I guess that is part of my charm.

Day number one here we go!!

My friend thinks this will be good for me to blog out my life and get some of these random, crazy and funny thoughts out of my head. I think it could be too, just as long as I don't get myself into trouble with anyone..which I am sure I will by the time it is all said and done with. ( I will make sure to not use any ones real name..LOL)

For some reason my friends find me funny (well, most of the time I think they do) I usually tell it how I see it. People either love that about me or they hate it. I say what I think. I wish that more people were like that, quit beating around the bush and just freaking say it!!

Speaking of bush...I also have a wicked cool sense of humor that can sometimes get me into trouble. The lunch topic from yesterday is still the talk in the office today....manscaping. Yes, we did talk about that during lunch yesterday! Why?? I really have no idea to be honest. We did have some good laughs over it tho. Not to mention that we did act like a bunch of pigs (well I did anyway) and try to guess whether the male waiters at the restaurant 'manscaped' or not...bad, I am just plain bad!

Alright, I guess that is enough for now...I don't want to scare anyone away on the first day!