The clouds opened up...

So, I'm at work, sitting in my office talking to my friend on the phone. He is telling me all about his complicated life and the latest developments since I had spoken with him a few days ago.

As soon as I hang up...I swear the clouds opened up, the angels sang and a beam of light came down from the heavens!! I had a complete 'ah-ha' moment as I sat there at my desk.

I have been dating the exact same guy for the last 22 years of my life! I keep repeating the pattern over and over and over, it's the exact same type of man, he just has a different name! So, I have to call my girlfriend to tell her of my latest self discovery. She says to me "Well what is your type?" I think for a second and the first thought that comes to my mind is " tall, dumb, broke and broken"

So I have been thinking about this over the weekend, taking a trip down memory lane if you will. Now, don't get me wrong, there was a few decent boyfriends over the years and some not so decent. But they really all have one thing in common, they all have the exact same flaw. They all cannot handle the real Becky, they all try to change me into something that I am not.

Let me explain....I  attract the guy that at first loves the fact that I am a very confident, independent thinking free spirt. They are attracted to the wild, crazy bitch, fun loving person that lives in the moment, says what she feels, take control of the situation person I am. What they don't see is that I am always like that, it is not an act. When they realize that is how I really am all the time it scares the shit out of them and they run the other way or they think they can somehow 'reform' me and get me to fit some mold that I don't want to be in. The very worst of them decide to just sit back, let me take the wheel and hold on tight in hopes that they make it through the ride to the end of the road.

In the end, they all try to extinguish the light inside of me.

Yes, I know this sounds a bit harsh, but I am telling you it is soooo true that it make the fuzzy place in my brain perfectly clear. I am totally seeing my world through a completely new set of eyes.

Now that I have figured this out I can no longer make excuses for myself again. I have to do better. I cannot under any circumstance keep doing this to myself.

So what I really need to seek is a guy that I have never dated before.

I need a guy that is self confident, independent, strong, who loves me for me and wouldn't change one single thing about me. I need the guy who takes me to a party, shows me off, lets me talk to whoever I want to and doesn't stand sulking in the corner. I need the guy who knows at the end of the day, no matter what, that I am going home with him and that is all he needs. I need the guy that lets me be a bitch when I want to but also knows how to be my soft place to fall when I need to. I need the guy that lets me take control and do what I want but is confident enough with himself that he can grab the wheel from me and take control too.

Most importantly he needs to feed my flame not extinguish my light.