The right person is out there for you.....I promise!!

The right person is out there for you...I promise!!

I have heard this from at least five people in the last week...even more in the last month.

I ask myself daily if this could be true.

Most think that I have been separated for a little less than a year and I should be okay with being single and alone...I mean really that must be what I wanted when I said I wanted a divorce, right?

Truthfully, I have been alone and lonely for years. Many of you out there know exactly what I am talking about. Just because you live with, are in a relationship with someone...you can still be very lonely and alone. I have been lonely for years, not just months. I was married and starved to death for attention from another human being. This is one of the biggest reasons why I wanted out of my marriage. Why would I want to stay married to someone that could care less about you? Believe me I really did try to save my 12 year marriage for at least the last three years of it. You come to a point that you just give up when you are the only person that is making an effort.

A few months ago, my ex-husband brought over a letter that I had written to him back in May of 2008. He said he found it, he read it and wanted me to know that NOW he understood what I was saying in the letter....that he was sorry, that he wanted another chance. I took the letter from him, told him I would read it but he was not getting another chance. I told him that if he would have paid attention to what I said in the letter, if he would have appreciated me at all over the last few years...he would not be in the place he is right now. I told him that he needs to keep all of those things in mind when he has relationships in the future. Basically, I told him that if he walks away with nothing else, he now knows how to not treat another human being.

So that brings me to the point I am at right now...will someone ever really see and appreciate me. My modest self would tell you that I think I am fantastic and I could find an army of girlfriends, co-workers, family and real, as well as virtual, friends that would back me up on it.

I think that as we get older we take fewer chances in life. We all have baggage that we are carrying around and most of us find that it is easier to put up a high unclimbable wall, dig a moat and keep everyone out. That would be easier than letting someone hurt you again, right? I think that if you do that you will be lonely forever and who wants that?

Are there any 'real' people left in the world anymore? This is been on my mind too. This virtual world that we live in SUCKS. So many sit in front of their computer and become something they are not. You never know if someone is being real or not with you or what the tone really is in the things that they say to you. To those of you that are just 'virtual' friends with me..I will tell you this now, I am real and what you see and read is exactly what you get. Anyone that knows me in the real world will back me up 100%. I am an open book, I say what I think, and mean what I say. (and yes, I really am that witty in person, even more so.) Someone once told me that I am like the free court press...they are exactly right.

I could become cynical like so many others have and set myself up for a lifetime of loneliness but that is not really what I want to do. I am willing to take the risk for someone, with someone. I am willing to open myself up to them and show them who I really am with no bullshit. If I open myself up to someone and take the chance that they will break my heart, than so be it. It will teach me about myself and make me a stronger person.

I am sick of playing games with people. Men say that we woman play games..ha!! I just had the biggest game of all time played on me a month ago today. (See previous blog)

I am also sick of guys that are clearly 'not that into me.' If you like me than you had better be ready to chase my ass. If you clearly like me than you will go out of your way to spend time with me, I am not going to chase you. Now, when I say that, it does not mean that I will not make an effort on my end. It means that I am sick of wasting my time trying to make something work when clearly I am the only one that is making an effort. Relationships are about giving and taking, they are not a one way street.

So my friends tell me that I need to be patient, that I need to stop looking and that someone will find me. It's not like I have any guys beating down my door right now so I guess that is all I can do. Honestly, I think that most guys are terrified of me. Guys act shy around me and some act scared to death to even talk to me. I need a guy that is confident, charming and wants to worship the ground I walk on....and you can bet if he is ever found he won't be disappointed after he catches me either.

So, I guess in the end....I am still looking for my frog.

And the Oscar goes to.........

A certain someone has just received the best actor award. Who you may ask? I would love to reveal their name....but I can't and won't. But I will use this format to 'vent' if you will. If you like good stories, keep reading....what could have ended in a fairytale, ended in me being completely confused and pissed off to say the least. You may ask after reading this if I am heart broken...to that I would say no, just hugely disappointed....I will change that to...epic disappointment.

This story begins sometime in August. I receive a message on Face book (yes, I know the root of all evils) from a friend of a friend. The message was a bit bizarre but anyone who really knows me will tell you that 1.) I attract and appreciate the bizarre and 2.) I will give anyone the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in people...one of my best personality traits and also my biggest flaw.

So I read this message and wonder who this stranger is, and wonder what he is thinking sending me this message. It was flattering, but I hear the same BS from guys all the time. So I ask my friend of this person, what is the deal? Who is this guy? He answers my questions and I decide to accept the friend request.

So back and forth for months...I private message, not chat, with my new friend back and forth on face book. A day comes that he can tell I am having a really bad day, he sends me a message about it asking if I am ok. In this message he puts his cell phone number and tells me if I ever want to text or chat he is there. This number sets for a few weeks in my messages...I am cautious.

Now, this guy is nine years older than me, he appears successful, confident, out going, great personality, single dad, has a love for his family and a love of life. I find him attractive and he is also three states away from me, so its not like he is going to just show up on my doorstep someday. So, one Saturday in October, I text him a joke...and it begins.

He did not call me right away...we texted. Back and forth...hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of texts. We would text during the day, sometimes all day long, sometimes late at night. One night, I am on my way home from a meeting for work and he calls me. He tells me that something I texted him made his whole day and he thanked me for being a friend...for making him laugh. This call lasted maybe 5 minutes....all I can say is this---If I thought I 'kinda' liked him before...I was really intrigued now, I wanted more.

He is not like any guy I have ever met in my life. He honestly says the sweetest words I have ever heard a man say. I have some kind of instant connection with him. I feel like I have known him forever and feel like he is the piece of my life that I have always felt like I was missing. I 'get' him--completely, and I feel like he really sees ME...he can really see who I am, past how I look, past the eyes, past all of it..I feel that even if I never meet him in real life that I am so glad to call him my friend....so glad that I met him and can't imagine not having him as a friend in my life...I think he is a beautiful person from the inside out.

So this friendship progresses. We go from an occasional call or text, to talking on the phone almost daily. He calls in the morning before I go to work to tell me to have a great day or he sends me texts in the morning telling me to get my sexy ass out of bed. He calls before dinner, after dinner, late into the evening. If he doesn't call he sends me a text almost every day...he tells me he misses me. This goes on though out November, December and January. We talk about meeting each other, our kids, our families, what we want in life, our hopes and dreams....anything that you can think of we have talked about. We watched a movie together...from 900 miles apart.

So three weeks ago this Sunday...I talk with him on the phone, very late into the evening. We are talking about the package that he had sent me and should be arriving with Mondays mail....what is in this package you ask? What I think is hands down the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me, ever....We say our long goodbyes that night..words were said that I will not type here. I am already letting you know a piece of something so private and painful to me that I cannot reveal all of it. I will tell you that when I hung up the phone that night, I fully expected to speak with him the next night, he told me we would. My heart was full of hope, full of appreciation for another human being.

I have a meeting all day on Monday that is about an hour and a half from my home. I have a presentation to give in front of some 50+ co-workers. All day long the only thing on my mind is him and what he is sending me.... a t-shirt that he has slept in so that I can sleep in it, so I can smell him. The day drags on, I feel like a kid at Christmas time and cannot wait to be home. When I get home, in the mailbox as expected is the package he had mailed. I am happy, I am glad that a man actually followed through on what he said he would do, I am in awe of him and the person that he is, in awe of his friendship. There is more in the package than just my T-shirt...sorry, but more that I will not share here either. I take a picture of myself in the T-shirt and I send it to him....thanking him and I do sleep in it for the next few nights and I am depressed when I have to wash it. I am completely swept off my feet at this point.

So days pass and I don't hear from my friend. So like all of us women do, I start making excuses for him. Oh I bet he is just busy working, busy spending time with his daughter...you ladies out there know what I am talking about, you have done it yourself. I text him or call him every few days for about the next week..I get zero response back....nothing. It is like he has fallen of the face of the earth.

So 10 days pass and still no word from him. Now I am starting to worry about him, is he ok? Is someone in his family very ill? Is he hurt? I send another text and voicemail to him that I am worried about him and could he please let me know if he is ok....nothing. So now I have to know if he is alive and well, I send our mutual friend a message to see if he knows anything about our friends well being, he knows nothing. 11 days pass-At this point I am thinking like a crazy person but I am at the point that I have to know if he is well, for my own piece of mind. 12 days pass-I try calling where he works, nothing. So as a last resort I send a message on face book to one of his family members, fearing the worst. I am so upset that my heart and my stomach hurts.

It turns out that he is alive and well......It appears as though he is ignoring me.

His family member must have gotten word to him that I was asking about him. That night he sent me some generic text that he was fine and very busy. Really? You are so busy that you couldn't respond to any of my messages? That is not even being a good friend, I expressed my worry and you couldn't find one minute in 12 days to tell me you are ok?

What in the hell went wrong? I am not even going down the 'what did I do wrong' path with myself because you know what? It is NOT me, I have no doubt about that at all! Is he scared? Was any of it real? Did I just  play a part on the greatest episode of 'Punked'?

3 days ago he sent me a message out of the blue saying he was going to call me...no call was ever made and I am still in the dark. I am not going to text him back...If he has something to say to me, he needs to grow a pair and call me.

So now I am left, standing here...looking at a puzzle that is clearly missing a huge piece right in the middle. But where is it? Will I ever find it? Will I have to live the rest of my life and never know what is missing? 

Will I ever get a much deserved explanation as to what in the hell happened? I really think that I am entitled to that much at this point. I feel a huge loss...a loss of a friend. I have so many questions that I feel will never be answered....

Daughter

My daughter......that is my struggle of my day today, maybe my week.

I love my daughter more than anything in the world, I would do absolutely anything for her....but she makes me want to pull every stand of curly hair out of my head!!!

She is at the wonderful age of 'tween' right now. She thinks she knows all, wants to argue with me about everything and anything, is a hormonal wreck and is even at the point that she is starting to fry the nerves of my 7 year old son.

A month or so ago, my daughter is on her emotional roller coaster...crying and carrying on about everything. (I truly think that on this day she would have argued that the sky was blue.) I am at the point that I have to ignore her because I am at my breaking point. I go into the living room, turn on the TV to help drown out some of her tantrum that is going on.... My son sits down next to me on the couch and says "Mom, you know that someday she will move out and when she does, it will just be you and me and we can do anything we want to." May god bless that little boy!! It is so like him to make me laugh when I need to the most.

I wonder everyday how my mom raised three daughters. It is no wonder that she had grey hair. Seriously, I was in no way shape or form a 'good kid' when I was growing up, I was quite the rebel child, a free spirit.  Sometimes, when my daughter is making me crazy, I think back to all the stupid shit I did as a kid, look up to the heavens and tell my mom I am sorry! How in the hell did she raise three daughters? I sometimes wonder if my one will make it to adulthood.

I tell myself everyday that I am doing my best, that I love her and only want the best for her. I am her parent, not her friend. I know she is going through a very difficult time right now with the divorce and having to move. But I have six more years of this at least! How am I going to last and stand my ground when she is on a relentless quest to wear me down...I really have no idea how I am going to make it.

It has to be so hard on the kids in this time that we are living in and the pressure that we as a society put on them. I believe that it is very different on them than it was when I was growing up. They have cell phones, e-mail, facebook, ipads...we could go on and on. Everyone is constantly after the bigger and better items as well as who has more of them. The advertising is even worse than when I was a kid, everything is sexed up more than it was 20 years ago. The pressure to grow up that is put on these kids is really amazing when you stop and think about it. If only they could see that there is no hurry to grow up....once you do grow up you stop and wonder why you ever thought it was a good idea, you really don't know how lucky you had it.

Then there is those parents out there that give there children anything they ask for. I often want to ask them if they understand that all they are doing to their kids is hurting them. There is no way that these kids can maintain that level of a lifestyle when they grow up and move out on their own someday, they are setting them up for failure. There are kids my daughters age (6th grade) that have fancy cell phones with internet, get their hair colored, have fake fingernails, wear makeup, date, have their own computers in their rooms, laptops, designer jeans that cost more than any pair of Levi's that I own, have tennis shoes that cost more than my  electric bill...and on and on and on. Now if you can afford these things than good for you. The average working single parent however, cannot. I try to tell my kids that they have nothing in the world to be ashamed of, they have clean clothes that fit, a roof over their head and food to eat...most importantly, they are loved.

My grandpa always used to tell me to never judge a person by the clothes that they are wearing, that as long as they are clean they are doing the best with what they have. (That still holds true today.)

So in the end all I can do is stand my ground and teach my children the values that are important to me. It would be so much easier to just give in sometimes but I know that is really doing more damage than good.

I don't get the luxury of being the cool, fun parent right now...I get to be the one and only real parent that they have. Hopefully when they are parents one day they will look back at the job I did raising them and come to the conclusion that I did my best, loved them, supported them and that as far as childhoods go, it really wasn't all that bad...