What am I waiting for?

What am I waiting for? This is the million dollar question today.

Why am I so unmotivated? This is the second million dollar question.

Yes, part of my life is a great big, huge mess. I know it, my friends know it.

So, what am I gonna do about it? The BIGGEST question of them all.

Now, some of my near and dear friends have been on me for MONTHS about this. They truly have the very best of intentions. They ask me questions...  Have you filed for divorce yet? When are you gonna have all your paperwork done? When will it all be finalized? and I in turn give them the most generic, non answer that comes to mind. I know that they know, I am giving them a line of shit.

So what am I waiting for? I do NOT love my ex. anymore, there is absolutely NO doubt about that in my mind. I haven't in a long time, it is over, I am DONE. So what is the hold-up? I think that deep down, I wish I could just tap my heels together, make a wish and it would all be done..finished. I wouldn't have to deal with all the stress, drama and all the fucking paperwork. That is what I wish, I know I have to do the work but for some reason I am still wishing.

Why am I so unmotivated? I am overwhelmed. Simple. I don't know what to do, where to start. I am worried about my kids, how am I going to make ends meet, how in the hell am I going to do this all by myself. God knows that the only person in my family that actually supports me is my 90 year old grandma. Bless her heart. She actually gets it. She gets that I was so unhappy that I had to do this. Not just for myself but for my kids. If I would have stayed with him, one of two things were going to happen....he was either going to kill me or I would have let him squash the light out of me forever and walked this earth as a broken, empty shell.

So that leaves me at the last question. What am I going to do about it?

My sweet friend who was on the phone with me last night has made me look at this whole situation in a new light. Did he tell me anything that I don't already know or that someone else hasn't already said to me? Nope, not at all. What he did do was talk to me like he was a jerk, (which he is definitely not!) he was blunt and laid the truth out for me at my feet. He wasn't 'nice' about it...(nice is a word that I HATE, I would rather have the real blunt truth on any given day) I have GOT to get my shit together.  I have to get this done, not just for myself but for my kids. MOST importantly for my FUTURE.....I cannot move forward until I take care of all the garbage that I am dragging around behind me..