Yes, I know I haven't done my blog in forever. I had it blocked as private for quite some time now. I've had plenty going on in my life, and much to say. I guess I just haven't felt like sharing. I thought about deleting all my blogs and starting over but after reading them decided not to because there are some really good thoughts in some of them that are a part of my journey. Even though I could erase them here, they are always going to be a part of me. So, if you are interested and have some time please feel free to read back into my thoughts.
So now..what is the rush?
Why are we always in a hurry for everything? That has been on my mind the last few days. I think that as a whole, most of us want everything when we want it. We can't wait for anything, it doesn't matter what, we can't wait. Why? It's what society tells us. Every advertisement you see is instant gratification. You need something? Well, just go buy it....right now, hurry up! No one waits for anything anymore.
We rush all day long....you run around getting yourself and your kids ready for school or work every morning. Rush around while you are at work, hurry home to make dinner and to get the kids where they need to be. You rush around all week long to get your tasks done that must get done. Do you get a break on the weekends? Oh no, that's the time to get everything done that you didn't finish during the week plus a hundred other jobs you have in the back of your mind that you must finish too. There is never a break, we are perpetually in a hurry.
We rush into things we are not ready for all the time...relationships we may not be emotionally ready to have, getting married, having kids, job choices, major purchases. Think of all the things you have rushed into. If you knew what the outcome of some of those choices would be, would you have rushed into them like you did? I know that the choices we make are part of living and learning, but what if we just slowed down for a split second and thought about what we were doing? Do you think you would have made the same choice?
Why am I in such a rush? That is what I have asked myself the last few days...why? I think the reason is because I have been on 'hold' for so long. I've been waiting to move forward with my life for years and I guess I am tired of the wait. Haven't I waited long enough to get on with the living part, the part for me? When will I get my time, the time to be selfish if even just for a moment? Haven't I waited long enough to find my light at the end of the tunnel? Haven't I waited long enough to find my frog?
Do good things come to those who wait? Now, this is the best question of all.
If this is really true, I should be in store for something SPECTACULAR in my life for as long as I have been waiting.
So, for now, I guess I am still waiting. For now all I can do is sit back, enjoy the journey and let the experience unfold around me....and keep telling myself that I don't need to be in such a hurry.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
The right person is out there for you.....I promise!!
The right person is out there for you...I promise!!
I have heard this from at least five people in the last week...even more in the last month.
I ask myself daily if this could be true.
Most think that I have been separated for a little less than a year and I should be okay with being single and alone...I mean really that must be what I wanted when I said I wanted a divorce, right?
Truthfully, I have been alone and lonely for years. Many of you out there know exactly what I am talking about. Just because you live with, are in a relationship with someone...you can still be very lonely and alone. I have been lonely for years, not just months. I was married and starved to death for attention from another human being. This is one of the biggest reasons why I wanted out of my marriage. Why would I want to stay married to someone that could care less about you? Believe me I really did try to save my 12 year marriage for at least the last three years of it. You come to a point that you just give up when you are the only person that is making an effort.
A few months ago, my ex-husband brought over a letter that I had written to him back in May of 2008. He said he found it, he read it and wanted me to know that NOW he understood what I was saying in the letter....that he was sorry, that he wanted another chance. I took the letter from him, told him I would read it but he was not getting another chance. I told him that if he would have paid attention to what I said in the letter, if he would have appreciated me at all over the last few years...he would not be in the place he is right now. I told him that he needs to keep all of those things in mind when he has relationships in the future. Basically, I told him that if he walks away with nothing else, he now knows how to not treat another human being.
So that brings me to the point I am at right now...will someone ever really see and appreciate me. My modest self would tell you that I think I am fantastic and I could find an army of girlfriends, co-workers, family and real, as well as virtual, friends that would back me up on it.
I think that as we get older we take fewer chances in life. We all have baggage that we are carrying around and most of us find that it is easier to put up a high unclimbable wall, dig a moat and keep everyone out. That would be easier than letting someone hurt you again, right? I think that if you do that you will be lonely forever and who wants that?
Are there any 'real' people left in the world anymore? This is been on my mind too. This virtual world that we live in SUCKS. So many sit in front of their computer and become something they are not. You never know if someone is being real or not with you or what the tone really is in the things that they say to you. To those of you that are just 'virtual' friends with me..I will tell you this now, I am real and what you see and read is exactly what you get. Anyone that knows me in the real world will back me up 100%. I am an open book, I say what I think, and mean what I say. (and yes, I really am that witty in person, even more so.) Someone once told me that I am like the free court press...they are exactly right.
I could become cynical like so many others have and set myself up for a lifetime of loneliness but that is not really what I want to do. I am willing to take the risk for someone, with someone. I am willing to open myself up to them and show them who I really am with no bullshit. If I open myself up to someone and take the chance that they will break my heart, than so be it. It will teach me about myself and make me a stronger person.
I am sick of playing games with people. Men say that we woman play games..ha!! I just had the biggest game of all time played on me a month ago today. (See previous blog)
I am also sick of guys that are clearly 'not that into me.' If you like me than you had better be ready to chase my ass. If you clearly like me than you will go out of your way to spend time with me, I am not going to chase you. Now, when I say that, it does not mean that I will not make an effort on my end. It means that I am sick of wasting my time trying to make something work when clearly I am the only one that is making an effort. Relationships are about giving and taking, they are not a one way street.
So my friends tell me that I need to be patient, that I need to stop looking and that someone will find me. It's not like I have any guys beating down my door right now so I guess that is all I can do. Honestly, I think that most guys are terrified of me. Guys act shy around me and some act scared to death to even talk to me. I need a guy that is confident, charming and wants to worship the ground I walk on....and you can bet if he is ever found he won't be disappointed after he catches me either.
So, I guess in the end....I am still looking for my frog.
I have heard this from at least five people in the last week...even more in the last month.
I ask myself daily if this could be true.
Most think that I have been separated for a little less than a year and I should be okay with being single and alone...I mean really that must be what I wanted when I said I wanted a divorce, right?
Truthfully, I have been alone and lonely for years. Many of you out there know exactly what I am talking about. Just because you live with, are in a relationship with someone...you can still be very lonely and alone. I have been lonely for years, not just months. I was married and starved to death for attention from another human being. This is one of the biggest reasons why I wanted out of my marriage. Why would I want to stay married to someone that could care less about you? Believe me I really did try to save my 12 year marriage for at least the last three years of it. You come to a point that you just give up when you are the only person that is making an effort.
A few months ago, my ex-husband brought over a letter that I had written to him back in May of 2008. He said he found it, he read it and wanted me to know that NOW he understood what I was saying in the letter....that he was sorry, that he wanted another chance. I took the letter from him, told him I would read it but he was not getting another chance. I told him that if he would have paid attention to what I said in the letter, if he would have appreciated me at all over the last few years...he would not be in the place he is right now. I told him that he needs to keep all of those things in mind when he has relationships in the future. Basically, I told him that if he walks away with nothing else, he now knows how to not treat another human being.
So that brings me to the point I am at right now...will someone ever really see and appreciate me. My modest self would tell you that I think I am fantastic and I could find an army of girlfriends, co-workers, family and real, as well as virtual, friends that would back me up on it.
I think that as we get older we take fewer chances in life. We all have baggage that we are carrying around and most of us find that it is easier to put up a high unclimbable wall, dig a moat and keep everyone out. That would be easier than letting someone hurt you again, right? I think that if you do that you will be lonely forever and who wants that?
Are there any 'real' people left in the world anymore? This is been on my mind too. This virtual world that we live in SUCKS. So many sit in front of their computer and become something they are not. You never know if someone is being real or not with you or what the tone really is in the things that they say to you. To those of you that are just 'virtual' friends with me..I will tell you this now, I am real and what you see and read is exactly what you get. Anyone that knows me in the real world will back me up 100%. I am an open book, I say what I think, and mean what I say. (and yes, I really am that witty in person, even more so.) Someone once told me that I am like the free court press...they are exactly right.
I could become cynical like so many others have and set myself up for a lifetime of loneliness but that is not really what I want to do. I am willing to take the risk for someone, with someone. I am willing to open myself up to them and show them who I really am with no bullshit. If I open myself up to someone and take the chance that they will break my heart, than so be it. It will teach me about myself and make me a stronger person.
I am sick of playing games with people. Men say that we woman play games..ha!! I just had the biggest game of all time played on me a month ago today. (See previous blog)
I am also sick of guys that are clearly 'not that into me.' If you like me than you had better be ready to chase my ass. If you clearly like me than you will go out of your way to spend time with me, I am not going to chase you. Now, when I say that, it does not mean that I will not make an effort on my end. It means that I am sick of wasting my time trying to make something work when clearly I am the only one that is making an effort. Relationships are about giving and taking, they are not a one way street.
So my friends tell me that I need to be patient, that I need to stop looking and that someone will find me. It's not like I have any guys beating down my door right now so I guess that is all I can do. Honestly, I think that most guys are terrified of me. Guys act shy around me and some act scared to death to even talk to me. I need a guy that is confident, charming and wants to worship the ground I walk on....and you can bet if he is ever found he won't be disappointed after he catches me either.
So, I guess in the end....I am still looking for my frog.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
And the Oscar goes to.........
A certain someone has just received the best actor award. Who you may ask? I would love to reveal their name....but I can't and won't. But I will use this format to 'vent' if you will. If you like good stories, keep reading....what could have ended in a fairytale, ended in me being completely confused and pissed off to say the least. You may ask after reading this if I am heart broken...to that I would say no, just hugely disappointed....I will change that to...epic disappointment.
This story begins sometime in August. I receive a message on Face book (yes, I know the root of all evils) from a friend of a friend. The message was a bit bizarre but anyone who really knows me will tell you that 1.) I attract and appreciate the bizarre and 2.) I will give anyone the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in people...one of my best personality traits and also my biggest flaw.
So I read this message and wonder who this stranger is, and wonder what he is thinking sending me this message. It was flattering, but I hear the same BS from guys all the time. So I ask my friend of this person, what is the deal? Who is this guy? He answers my questions and I decide to accept the friend request.
So back and forth for months...I private message, not chat, with my new friend back and forth on face book. A day comes that he can tell I am having a really bad day, he sends me a message about it asking if I am ok. In this message he puts his cell phone number and tells me if I ever want to text or chat he is there. This number sets for a few weeks in my messages...I am cautious.
Now, this guy is nine years older than me, he appears successful, confident, out going, great personality, single dad, has a love for his family and a love of life. I find him attractive and he is also three states away from me, so its not like he is going to just show up on my doorstep someday. So, one Saturday in October, I text him a joke...and it begins.
He did not call me right away...we texted. Back and forth...hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of texts. We would text during the day, sometimes all day long, sometimes late at night. One night, I am on my way home from a meeting for work and he calls me. He tells me that something I texted him made his whole day and he thanked me for being a friend...for making him laugh. This call lasted maybe 5 minutes....all I can say is this---If I thought I 'kinda' liked him before...I was really intrigued now, I wanted more.
He is not like any guy I have ever met in my life. He honestly says the sweetest words I have ever heard a man say. I have some kind of instant connection with him. I feel like I have known him forever and feel like he is the piece of my life that I have always felt like I was missing. I 'get' him--completely, and I feel like he really sees ME...he can really see who I am, past how I look, past the eyes, past all of it..I feel that even if I never meet him in real life that I am so glad to call him my friend....so glad that I met him and can't imagine not having him as a friend in my life...I think he is a beautiful person from the inside out.
So this friendship progresses. We go from an occasional call or text, to talking on the phone almost daily. He calls in the morning before I go to work to tell me to have a great day or he sends me texts in the morning telling me to get my sexy ass out of bed. He calls before dinner, after dinner, late into the evening. If he doesn't call he sends me a text almost every day...he tells me he misses me. This goes on though out November, December and January. We talk about meeting each other, our kids, our families, what we want in life, our hopes and dreams....anything that you can think of we have talked about. We watched a movie together...from 900 miles apart.
So three weeks ago this Sunday...I talk with him on the phone, very late into the evening. We are talking about the package that he had sent me and should be arriving with Mondays mail....what is in this package you ask? What I think is hands down the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me, ever....We say our long goodbyes that night..words were said that I will not type here. I am already letting you know a piece of something so private and painful to me that I cannot reveal all of it. I will tell you that when I hung up the phone that night, I fully expected to speak with him the next night, he told me we would. My heart was full of hope, full of appreciation for another human being.
I have a meeting all day on Monday that is about an hour and a half from my home. I have a presentation to give in front of some 50+ co-workers. All day long the only thing on my mind is him and what he is sending me.... a t-shirt that he has slept in so that I can sleep in it, so I can smell him. The day drags on, I feel like a kid at Christmas time and cannot wait to be home. When I get home, in the mailbox as expected is the package he had mailed. I am happy, I am glad that a man actually followed through on what he said he would do, I am in awe of him and the person that he is, in awe of his friendship. There is more in the package than just my T-shirt...sorry, but more that I will not share here either. I take a picture of myself in the T-shirt and I send it to him....thanking him and I do sleep in it for the next few nights and I am depressed when I have to wash it. I am completely swept off my feet at this point.
So days pass and I don't hear from my friend. So like all of us women do, I start making excuses for him. Oh I bet he is just busy working, busy spending time with his daughter...you ladies out there know what I am talking about, you have done it yourself. I text him or call him every few days for about the next week..I get zero response back....nothing. It is like he has fallen of the face of the earth.
So 10 days pass and still no word from him. Now I am starting to worry about him, is he ok? Is someone in his family very ill? Is he hurt? I send another text and voicemail to him that I am worried about him and could he please let me know if he is ok....nothing. So now I have to know if he is alive and well, I send our mutual friend a message to see if he knows anything about our friends well being, he knows nothing. 11 days pass-At this point I am thinking like a crazy person but I am at the point that I have to know if he is well, for my own piece of mind. 12 days pass-I try calling where he works, nothing. So as a last resort I send a message on face book to one of his family members, fearing the worst. I am so upset that my heart and my stomach hurts.
It turns out that he is alive and well......It appears as though he is ignoring me.
His family member must have gotten word to him that I was asking about him. That night he sent me some generic text that he was fine and very busy. Really? You are so busy that you couldn't respond to any of my messages? That is not even being a good friend, I expressed my worry and you couldn't find one minute in 12 days to tell me you are ok?
What in the hell went wrong? I am not even going down the 'what did I do wrong' path with myself because you know what? It is NOT me, I have no doubt about that at all! Is he scared? Was any of it real? Did I just play a part on the greatest episode of 'Punked'?
3 days ago he sent me a message out of the blue saying he was going to call me...no call was ever made and I am still in the dark. I am not going to text him back...If he has something to say to me, he needs to grow a pair and call me.
So now I am left, standing here...looking at a puzzle that is clearly missing a huge piece right in the middle. But where is it? Will I ever find it? Will I have to live the rest of my life and never know what is missing?
Will I ever get a much deserved explanation as to what in the hell happened? I really think that I am entitled to that much at this point. I feel a huge loss...a loss of a friend. I have so many questions that I feel will never be answered....
This story begins sometime in August. I receive a message on Face book (yes, I know the root of all evils) from a friend of a friend. The message was a bit bizarre but anyone who really knows me will tell you that 1.) I attract and appreciate the bizarre and 2.) I will give anyone the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in people...one of my best personality traits and also my biggest flaw.
So I read this message and wonder who this stranger is, and wonder what he is thinking sending me this message. It was flattering, but I hear the same BS from guys all the time. So I ask my friend of this person, what is the deal? Who is this guy? He answers my questions and I decide to accept the friend request.
So back and forth for months...I private message, not chat, with my new friend back and forth on face book. A day comes that he can tell I am having a really bad day, he sends me a message about it asking if I am ok. In this message he puts his cell phone number and tells me if I ever want to text or chat he is there. This number sets for a few weeks in my messages...I am cautious.
Now, this guy is nine years older than me, he appears successful, confident, out going, great personality, single dad, has a love for his family and a love of life. I find him attractive and he is also three states away from me, so its not like he is going to just show up on my doorstep someday. So, one Saturday in October, I text him a joke...and it begins.
He did not call me right away...we texted. Back and forth...hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of texts. We would text during the day, sometimes all day long, sometimes late at night. One night, I am on my way home from a meeting for work and he calls me. He tells me that something I texted him made his whole day and he thanked me for being a friend...for making him laugh. This call lasted maybe 5 minutes....all I can say is this---If I thought I 'kinda' liked him before...I was really intrigued now, I wanted more.
He is not like any guy I have ever met in my life. He honestly says the sweetest words I have ever heard a man say. I have some kind of instant connection with him. I feel like I have known him forever and feel like he is the piece of my life that I have always felt like I was missing. I 'get' him--completely, and I feel like he really sees ME...he can really see who I am, past how I look, past the eyes, past all of it..I feel that even if I never meet him in real life that I am so glad to call him my friend....so glad that I met him and can't imagine not having him as a friend in my life...I think he is a beautiful person from the inside out.
So this friendship progresses. We go from an occasional call or text, to talking on the phone almost daily. He calls in the morning before I go to work to tell me to have a great day or he sends me texts in the morning telling me to get my sexy ass out of bed. He calls before dinner, after dinner, late into the evening. If he doesn't call he sends me a text almost every day...he tells me he misses me. This goes on though out November, December and January. We talk about meeting each other, our kids, our families, what we want in life, our hopes and dreams....anything that you can think of we have talked about. We watched a movie together...from 900 miles apart.
So three weeks ago this Sunday...I talk with him on the phone, very late into the evening. We are talking about the package that he had sent me and should be arriving with Mondays mail....what is in this package you ask? What I think is hands down the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me, ever....We say our long goodbyes that night..words were said that I will not type here. I am already letting you know a piece of something so private and painful to me that I cannot reveal all of it. I will tell you that when I hung up the phone that night, I fully expected to speak with him the next night, he told me we would. My heart was full of hope, full of appreciation for another human being.
I have a meeting all day on Monday that is about an hour and a half from my home. I have a presentation to give in front of some 50+ co-workers. All day long the only thing on my mind is him and what he is sending me.... a t-shirt that he has slept in so that I can sleep in it, so I can smell him. The day drags on, I feel like a kid at Christmas time and cannot wait to be home. When I get home, in the mailbox as expected is the package he had mailed. I am happy, I am glad that a man actually followed through on what he said he would do, I am in awe of him and the person that he is, in awe of his friendship. There is more in the package than just my T-shirt...sorry, but more that I will not share here either. I take a picture of myself in the T-shirt and I send it to him....thanking him and I do sleep in it for the next few nights and I am depressed when I have to wash it. I am completely swept off my feet at this point.
So days pass and I don't hear from my friend. So like all of us women do, I start making excuses for him. Oh I bet he is just busy working, busy spending time with his daughter...you ladies out there know what I am talking about, you have done it yourself. I text him or call him every few days for about the next week..I get zero response back....nothing. It is like he has fallen of the face of the earth.
So 10 days pass and still no word from him. Now I am starting to worry about him, is he ok? Is someone in his family very ill? Is he hurt? I send another text and voicemail to him that I am worried about him and could he please let me know if he is ok....nothing. So now I have to know if he is alive and well, I send our mutual friend a message to see if he knows anything about our friends well being, he knows nothing. 11 days pass-At this point I am thinking like a crazy person but I am at the point that I have to know if he is well, for my own piece of mind. 12 days pass-I try calling where he works, nothing. So as a last resort I send a message on face book to one of his family members, fearing the worst. I am so upset that my heart and my stomach hurts.
It turns out that he is alive and well......It appears as though he is ignoring me.
His family member must have gotten word to him that I was asking about him. That night he sent me some generic text that he was fine and very busy. Really? You are so busy that you couldn't respond to any of my messages? That is not even being a good friend, I expressed my worry and you couldn't find one minute in 12 days to tell me you are ok?
What in the hell went wrong? I am not even going down the 'what did I do wrong' path with myself because you know what? It is NOT me, I have no doubt about that at all! Is he scared? Was any of it real? Did I just play a part on the greatest episode of 'Punked'?
3 days ago he sent me a message out of the blue saying he was going to call me...no call was ever made and I am still in the dark. I am not going to text him back...If he has something to say to me, he needs to grow a pair and call me.
So now I am left, standing here...looking at a puzzle that is clearly missing a huge piece right in the middle. But where is it? Will I ever find it? Will I have to live the rest of my life and never know what is missing?
Will I ever get a much deserved explanation as to what in the hell happened? I really think that I am entitled to that much at this point. I feel a huge loss...a loss of a friend. I have so many questions that I feel will never be answered....
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Daughter
My daughter......that is my struggle of my day today, maybe my week.
I love my daughter more than anything in the world, I would do absolutely anything for her....but she makes me want to pull every stand of curly hair out of my head!!!
She is at the wonderful age of 'tween' right now. She thinks she knows all, wants to argue with me about everything and anything, is a hormonal wreck and is even at the point that she is starting to fry the nerves of my 7 year old son.
A month or so ago, my daughter is on her emotional roller coaster...crying and carrying on about everything. (I truly think that on this day she would have argued that the sky was blue.) I am at the point that I have to ignore her because I am at my breaking point. I go into the living room, turn on the TV to help drown out some of her tantrum that is going on.... My son sits down next to me on the couch and says "Mom, you know that someday she will move out and when she does, it will just be you and me and we can do anything we want to." May god bless that little boy!! It is so like him to make me laugh when I need to the most.
I wonder everyday how my mom raised three daughters. It is no wonder that she had grey hair. Seriously, I was in no way shape or form a 'good kid' when I was growing up, I was quite the rebel child, a free spirit. Sometimes, when my daughter is making me crazy, I think back to all the stupid shit I did as a kid, look up to the heavens and tell my mom I am sorry! How in the hell did she raise three daughters? I sometimes wonder if my one will make it to adulthood.
I tell myself everyday that I am doing my best, that I love her and only want the best for her. I am her parent, not her friend. I know she is going through a very difficult time right now with the divorce and having to move. But I have six more years of this at least! How am I going to last and stand my ground when she is on a relentless quest to wear me down...I really have no idea how I am going to make it.
It has to be so hard on the kids in this time that we are living in and the pressure that we as a society put on them. I believe that it is very different on them than it was when I was growing up. They have cell phones, e-mail, facebook, ipads...we could go on and on. Everyone is constantly after the bigger and better items as well as who has more of them. The advertising is even worse than when I was a kid, everything is sexed up more than it was 20 years ago. The pressure to grow up that is put on these kids is really amazing when you stop and think about it. If only they could see that there is no hurry to grow up....once you do grow up you stop and wonder why you ever thought it was a good idea, you really don't know how lucky you had it.
Then there is those parents out there that give there children anything they ask for. I often want to ask them if they understand that all they are doing to their kids is hurting them. There is no way that these kids can maintain that level of a lifestyle when they grow up and move out on their own someday, they are setting them up for failure. There are kids my daughters age (6th grade) that have fancy cell phones with internet, get their hair colored, have fake fingernails, wear makeup, date, have their own computers in their rooms, laptops, designer jeans that cost more than any pair of Levi's that I own, have tennis shoes that cost more than my electric bill...and on and on and on. Now if you can afford these things than good for you. The average working single parent however, cannot. I try to tell my kids that they have nothing in the world to be ashamed of, they have clean clothes that fit, a roof over their head and food to eat...most importantly, they are loved.
My grandpa always used to tell me to never judge a person by the clothes that they are wearing, that as long as they are clean they are doing the best with what they have. (That still holds true today.)
So in the end all I can do is stand my ground and teach my children the values that are important to me. It would be so much easier to just give in sometimes but I know that is really doing more damage than good.
I don't get the luxury of being the cool, fun parent right now...I get to be the one and only real parent that they have. Hopefully when they are parents one day they will look back at the job I did raising them and come to the conclusion that I did my best, loved them, supported them and that as far as childhoods go, it really wasn't all that bad...
I love my daughter more than anything in the world, I would do absolutely anything for her....but she makes me want to pull every stand of curly hair out of my head!!!
She is at the wonderful age of 'tween' right now. She thinks she knows all, wants to argue with me about everything and anything, is a hormonal wreck and is even at the point that she is starting to fry the nerves of my 7 year old son.
A month or so ago, my daughter is on her emotional roller coaster...crying and carrying on about everything. (I truly think that on this day she would have argued that the sky was blue.) I am at the point that I have to ignore her because I am at my breaking point. I go into the living room, turn on the TV to help drown out some of her tantrum that is going on.... My son sits down next to me on the couch and says "Mom, you know that someday she will move out and when she does, it will just be you and me and we can do anything we want to." May god bless that little boy!! It is so like him to make me laugh when I need to the most.
I wonder everyday how my mom raised three daughters. It is no wonder that she had grey hair. Seriously, I was in no way shape or form a 'good kid' when I was growing up, I was quite the rebel child, a free spirit. Sometimes, when my daughter is making me crazy, I think back to all the stupid shit I did as a kid, look up to the heavens and tell my mom I am sorry! How in the hell did she raise three daughters? I sometimes wonder if my one will make it to adulthood.
I tell myself everyday that I am doing my best, that I love her and only want the best for her. I am her parent, not her friend. I know she is going through a very difficult time right now with the divorce and having to move. But I have six more years of this at least! How am I going to last and stand my ground when she is on a relentless quest to wear me down...I really have no idea how I am going to make it.
It has to be so hard on the kids in this time that we are living in and the pressure that we as a society put on them. I believe that it is very different on them than it was when I was growing up. They have cell phones, e-mail, facebook, ipads...we could go on and on. Everyone is constantly after the bigger and better items as well as who has more of them. The advertising is even worse than when I was a kid, everything is sexed up more than it was 20 years ago. The pressure to grow up that is put on these kids is really amazing when you stop and think about it. If only they could see that there is no hurry to grow up....once you do grow up you stop and wonder why you ever thought it was a good idea, you really don't know how lucky you had it.
Then there is those parents out there that give there children anything they ask for. I often want to ask them if they understand that all they are doing to their kids is hurting them. There is no way that these kids can maintain that level of a lifestyle when they grow up and move out on their own someday, they are setting them up for failure. There are kids my daughters age (6th grade) that have fancy cell phones with internet, get their hair colored, have fake fingernails, wear makeup, date, have their own computers in their rooms, laptops, designer jeans that cost more than any pair of Levi's that I own, have tennis shoes that cost more than my electric bill...and on and on and on. Now if you can afford these things than good for you. The average working single parent however, cannot. I try to tell my kids that they have nothing in the world to be ashamed of, they have clean clothes that fit, a roof over their head and food to eat...most importantly, they are loved.
My grandpa always used to tell me to never judge a person by the clothes that they are wearing, that as long as they are clean they are doing the best with what they have. (That still holds true today.)
So in the end all I can do is stand my ground and teach my children the values that are important to me. It would be so much easier to just give in sometimes but I know that is really doing more damage than good.
I don't get the luxury of being the cool, fun parent right now...I get to be the one and only real parent that they have. Hopefully when they are parents one day they will look back at the job I did raising them and come to the conclusion that I did my best, loved them, supported them and that as far as childhoods go, it really wasn't all that bad...
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Right or Left?
Lately, I have been thinking about the road map of my life...have you ever really stopped and thought about this twisty road you are traveling? Well, I have so here goes nothing...
I am not going to start at day one (that would be a little over the top even for me!) I am going to go back about two and a half years...that seems to be the point that the bottom fell out and the wave of change started for me..bear with me through this and you will see how the whole road has brought me to the crossroad I am on today.
June 2008--I am working at a drug store as an office manager. I had been working here for a little over 16 years, 40 hours a week, almost every weekend, busting my ass and feeling completely miserable. I asked myself daily if this is what I was really meant to do with my life because surely god had more plans for me than working in that store. The company I worked for had closed all the stores in the chain except the one I was working at and they have just told us that we will close our doors in August and I will be without a job.
I was also a girl scout troop leader for my daughter's troop at this time. I was never in scouts as a child, really had no idea what the whole thing was about but I did it for her because it was important to her. I loved working with the girls in the troop. Loved being a role model for them.
By chance one day that June, I received a phone call from the staff person at the local girl scout council. We got to talking about some upcoming events and she was checking on me to see how everything was going with my troop. During this conversation, I tell her that I am going to be looking for a job, she tells me she is sorry to hear that, we say our goodbyes. About 3-4 hours pass and she calls me back and asks "Have you ever thought of working for girl scouts? Becky, you would be so good at this job! Let me send you the information." I ask.."you can get paid to be a girl scout? Sure, send me the info, what do I have to lose?!"
August 30,2008--Store closes. I don't have a job. My then husband is on my case, bugging me to start looking for something else and not keep waiting for the girl scouts to call me. I on the other hand am so certain that I am going to get this job that I refuse to look for anything. I figure that I received my severance pay along with my two weeks vacation they still owed me at my old job, I have time.
October 14, 2008--I am officially a 'professional Girl Scout' staff person!
***Two of my dearest friends enter my life at this time as well, my lifelong friends who I would have never known, as well as I do, without taking the job at girl scouts***
From October 2008 till April 2010--this is the dark and bumpy road. Almost as if the car I am driving is falling apart and the more I travel the more pieces fall off the car, you can see the blacktop passing by under you and you hope you don't scrape on it because its gonna hurt...but you know you are going to crash.
I am loving my new job, I have confidence in myself, am doing fantastic things for the thousand+ girls and adult volunteers in the area's I am managing and basically feeling like a 'rock star'...then I go home to a man that is so jealous of me he cannot stand me. I am getting accused of things I am not doing, like sneaking around and cheating on him. Daily,I am put down and belittled, unappreciated and feeling completely alone. I am told that I am too attractive, that I need to change how I dress. I hate him and I hate myself for living the lie.
April 19, 2010--I have had enough. I am done. The husband moves out.
September 2010--***By complete chance, a dear and amazing friend enters my life this month. I honestly don't know how I have lived this long without them, where have they been hiding at all these years?***
Today: January 26, 2011--Everything is falling in to place (sorry, but I can't give you the whole scoop just yet, but I will soon. Promise.) I feel like everything that I have went through over the last two and a half years is not in vain. It all has brought me to the exact place that I am right now, which is exactly where I am meant to be. So now the big question is....
I am at the end of this road, will I turn to the right or will I turn to the left?
I am not going to start at day one (that would be a little over the top even for me!) I am going to go back about two and a half years...that seems to be the point that the bottom fell out and the wave of change started for me..bear with me through this and you will see how the whole road has brought me to the crossroad I am on today.
June 2008--I am working at a drug store as an office manager. I had been working here for a little over 16 years, 40 hours a week, almost every weekend, busting my ass and feeling completely miserable. I asked myself daily if this is what I was really meant to do with my life because surely god had more plans for me than working in that store. The company I worked for had closed all the stores in the chain except the one I was working at and they have just told us that we will close our doors in August and I will be without a job.
I was also a girl scout troop leader for my daughter's troop at this time. I was never in scouts as a child, really had no idea what the whole thing was about but I did it for her because it was important to her. I loved working with the girls in the troop. Loved being a role model for them.
By chance one day that June, I received a phone call from the staff person at the local girl scout council. We got to talking about some upcoming events and she was checking on me to see how everything was going with my troop. During this conversation, I tell her that I am going to be looking for a job, she tells me she is sorry to hear that, we say our goodbyes. About 3-4 hours pass and she calls me back and asks "Have you ever thought of working for girl scouts? Becky, you would be so good at this job! Let me send you the information." I ask.."you can get paid to be a girl scout? Sure, send me the info, what do I have to lose?!"
August 30,2008--Store closes. I don't have a job. My then husband is on my case, bugging me to start looking for something else and not keep waiting for the girl scouts to call me. I on the other hand am so certain that I am going to get this job that I refuse to look for anything. I figure that I received my severance pay along with my two weeks vacation they still owed me at my old job, I have time.
October 14, 2008--I am officially a 'professional Girl Scout' staff person!
***Two of my dearest friends enter my life at this time as well, my lifelong friends who I would have never known, as well as I do, without taking the job at girl scouts***
From October 2008 till April 2010--this is the dark and bumpy road. Almost as if the car I am driving is falling apart and the more I travel the more pieces fall off the car, you can see the blacktop passing by under you and you hope you don't scrape on it because its gonna hurt...but you know you are going to crash.
I am loving my new job, I have confidence in myself, am doing fantastic things for the thousand+ girls and adult volunteers in the area's I am managing and basically feeling like a 'rock star'...then I go home to a man that is so jealous of me he cannot stand me. I am getting accused of things I am not doing, like sneaking around and cheating on him. Daily,I am put down and belittled, unappreciated and feeling completely alone. I am told that I am too attractive, that I need to change how I dress. I hate him and I hate myself for living the lie.
April 19, 2010--I have had enough. I am done. The husband moves out.
September 2010--***By complete chance, a dear and amazing friend enters my life this month. I honestly don't know how I have lived this long without them, where have they been hiding at all these years?***
Today: January 26, 2011--Everything is falling in to place (sorry, but I can't give you the whole scoop just yet, but I will soon. Promise.) I feel like everything that I have went through over the last two and a half years is not in vain. It all has brought me to the exact place that I am right now, which is exactly where I am meant to be. So now the big question is....
I am at the end of this road, will I turn to the right or will I turn to the left?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Hope
So whats going on that is the big question, right?
Short version would be as follows: Happy, busy, kids, work, drama.
So where to start...The lawyer has been paid and I hope to have the divorce completely done in the next 4 months or less. I cannot wait to be done with it all! I still have not received one single penny of child support from the EX. He has been out living it up...new sports car, new tattoos, whatever he feels like buying. Oh, he has been working on being the super cool dad for the kids too. Buying them expensive gifts that they don't need and promising them more things on top of it. In the end they will be the ones who will be hurt the most when the money runs out. Someday, Karma is going to swing through town and smack him upside his head, knocking him on his ass. I will be watching from a distance and laughing my ass off. I get to be the non-fun parent, I have to make sure they have food, clothes, shelter and be there for them every single day. I hope that one day they will see how I did the best I could and appreciate what I did do.
I finally had to break it to the kids that we have to move...this was upsetting but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I cannot afford to live in this 5 bedroom house anymore. I am looking at this whole experience as a new start on life. I told the kids that they need to look at it like an adventure that we are all traveling together...a new place, a fresh start, new neighbors, new friends, new bedrooms. I know that this is going to be so hard on them but I really do think I have the best kids in the world! They will make it through and we will all be happy in the end.
I am really just trying to stay positive through this whole time in my life right now. May god bless my friends that check up on me every single day to see what is going on and how I am doing. I am so blessed to have each and everyone of them in my life and don't know what I would do without them. I know I can call them to vent, laugh or cry...they are there for me no matter what!
I can honestly say that I am so happy right now it is almost scary to me...I have a new found hope in life that I never thought was possible ten months ago. I actually have hopes and goals and dreams for my future! I have been so excited by the whole idea of it lately that I am wishing it would hurry because I want to get to the good part. But, I know that all good things come to those that wait, right?
I think I have been waiting long enough. Years actually.
Short version would be as follows: Happy, busy, kids, work, drama.
So where to start...The lawyer has been paid and I hope to have the divorce completely done in the next 4 months or less. I cannot wait to be done with it all! I still have not received one single penny of child support from the EX. He has been out living it up...new sports car, new tattoos, whatever he feels like buying. Oh, he has been working on being the super cool dad for the kids too. Buying them expensive gifts that they don't need and promising them more things on top of it. In the end they will be the ones who will be hurt the most when the money runs out. Someday, Karma is going to swing through town and smack him upside his head, knocking him on his ass. I will be watching from a distance and laughing my ass off. I get to be the non-fun parent, I have to make sure they have food, clothes, shelter and be there for them every single day. I hope that one day they will see how I did the best I could and appreciate what I did do.
I finally had to break it to the kids that we have to move...this was upsetting but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I cannot afford to live in this 5 bedroom house anymore. I am looking at this whole experience as a new start on life. I told the kids that they need to look at it like an adventure that we are all traveling together...a new place, a fresh start, new neighbors, new friends, new bedrooms. I know that this is going to be so hard on them but I really do think I have the best kids in the world! They will make it through and we will all be happy in the end.
I am really just trying to stay positive through this whole time in my life right now. May god bless my friends that check up on me every single day to see what is going on and how I am doing. I am so blessed to have each and everyone of them in my life and don't know what I would do without them. I know I can call them to vent, laugh or cry...they are there for me no matter what!
I can honestly say that I am so happy right now it is almost scary to me...I have a new found hope in life that I never thought was possible ten months ago. I actually have hopes and goals and dreams for my future! I have been so excited by the whole idea of it lately that I am wishing it would hurry because I want to get to the good part. But, I know that all good things come to those that wait, right?
I think I have been waiting long enough. Years actually.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
All the Clutter
Things, stuff, treasure, junk.....basically it's all just clutter.
I have been on my own quest lately to lighten my load and get out from under all this stuff! I have lived in the same house for 10 years. Mind you, my house is not messy, I am not a pack rat by any definition. So why do I have all this stuff? Why am I holding onto it? What am I waiting for to use it? Do I even need it anymore?
I have all this 'stuff' because when you have kids, they have lots of stuff. They are constantly getting new things, out growing clothes....basically, kids = stuff. I have all the exes stuff too...packed away in boxes down in the basement. He says he doesn't want any of it but I really don't feel it is my stuff to get rid of, so it sets there, waiting for him to claim it. I doubt he will ever claim any of it to be honest...I think it will set down there forever.
I have gotten rid of things that used to mean something to me but now who cares and what is the point?! Great examples of this would be: stuff from my wedding 13 years ago, stuff that I saved 'just in case' I wanted to have another kid (big not happening on that one).
So as I have worked on cleaning out every closet, every drawer, every everything in this house...I ask myself some really basic questions. Why am I keeping this? Do I really need it? When is the last time I have used this? The end result of all these questions is that a whole lot of stuff has been donated to the Goodwill...car fulls to be honest.
I also have a new found appreciation for the things that I have kept. I am no longer going to 'save' things to use for good. If you really think about this, it is kind of silly. Why shouldn't I use it now and enjoy it? Why do we save things to use for 'good' and never get them out to use them? Didn't we buy it because we loved it? A great example of this would be my Vera Wang heels that I purchased last June. I could have left them in the box and 'saved' them for something special...but why? I have worn those shoes so much that part of the sole is coming apart, and you know what....I am glad that I wore them! I absolutely love those shoes to start with, and have had so much fun wearing them that I am glad I didn't 'save' them even though they were expensive.
Getting rid of all the clutter is liberating, you feel like you are getting rid of old baggage that you just don't need anymore. At this point of my life's journey right now, this is very fitting for me...out with the old and in with the new.
So ask yourself as you are cleaning that closet or drawer out...why am I keeping this?
Lastly, quit holding onto something and saving it for something special...get it out now and use it because right now is special!!
I have been on my own quest lately to lighten my load and get out from under all this stuff! I have lived in the same house for 10 years. Mind you, my house is not messy, I am not a pack rat by any definition. So why do I have all this stuff? Why am I holding onto it? What am I waiting for to use it? Do I even need it anymore?
I have all this 'stuff' because when you have kids, they have lots of stuff. They are constantly getting new things, out growing clothes....basically, kids = stuff. I have all the exes stuff too...packed away in boxes down in the basement. He says he doesn't want any of it but I really don't feel it is my stuff to get rid of, so it sets there, waiting for him to claim it. I doubt he will ever claim any of it to be honest...I think it will set down there forever.
I have gotten rid of things that used to mean something to me but now who cares and what is the point?! Great examples of this would be: stuff from my wedding 13 years ago, stuff that I saved 'just in case' I wanted to have another kid (big not happening on that one).
So as I have worked on cleaning out every closet, every drawer, every everything in this house...I ask myself some really basic questions. Why am I keeping this? Do I really need it? When is the last time I have used this? The end result of all these questions is that a whole lot of stuff has been donated to the Goodwill...car fulls to be honest.
I also have a new found appreciation for the things that I have kept. I am no longer going to 'save' things to use for good. If you really think about this, it is kind of silly. Why shouldn't I use it now and enjoy it? Why do we save things to use for 'good' and never get them out to use them? Didn't we buy it because we loved it? A great example of this would be my Vera Wang heels that I purchased last June. I could have left them in the box and 'saved' them for something special...but why? I have worn those shoes so much that part of the sole is coming apart, and you know what....I am glad that I wore them! I absolutely love those shoes to start with, and have had so much fun wearing them that I am glad I didn't 'save' them even though they were expensive.
Getting rid of all the clutter is liberating, you feel like you are getting rid of old baggage that you just don't need anymore. At this point of my life's journey right now, this is very fitting for me...out with the old and in with the new.
So ask yourself as you are cleaning that closet or drawer out...why am I keeping this?
Lastly, quit holding onto something and saving it for something special...get it out now and use it because right now is special!!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Too busy to blog...
I have had a lot going on and really haven't had time to be working on my blog lately. Being a single mom with two jobs and two kids doesn't give you very much extra time!
I have really been working on getting my shit together. Thanks to the motivation of my sweet friend I have actually gotten more paperwork done in the last week than I have in the last 6+ months.
Now all I need is money and I could put the majority of this big mess behind me.
This whole marriage thing is really just silly when you really think about it...How can it be soooo easy to GET married? You go down to the court house, show your ID, fill in maybe two sheets of paper, pay a fee and *PRESTO*....married. To get divorced I have to fill out what seems like 100+ pieces of paper, pay a lawyer far too much money, go to court, fight with the EX and when its all said and done I get a piece of paper that will say I am no longer legally married to him. Why does it have to be so complex? I want to be able to get divorced the same way I got married..simple.
Well, I guess that is not going to happen so this will be a character building exercise for me!
This two job thing really just plain old SUCKS!! I am getting zero in the way of child support, I may never get any from him to be honest and if I do it will be a long time coming.
So, I am now really at the point of how am I going to raise these two kids all by myself? That's the first thought on my mind when I get up in the morning and the last one before (when I actually do) sleep. I really doubt that I am going to be able to keep my house at this point, which is going to be the hardest thing in the world to have to tell my kids...it breaks my heart to be honest. But, it is what it is. I cannot change it nor would I at this point. I know that I have made the right decision for myself and ultimately for my kids as well.
Someone, that I haven't seen in months, saw me yesterday and carried on and on about how fantastic I looked, how much weight I have lost, even said that I looked 10 years younger than the last time she had seen me....
Right there is the biggest sign to me of all: I am happier, I look happier, I feel happier.
I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. This Thanksgiving was without a doubt in my mind the least stressful holiday that I have had in years...which is sad really, but very true. I didn't spend my holiday walking on eggshells. I didn't have someone breathing down my back all day long, watching everything I do, being negative all day and night....sucking the life and energy right out of me.
My 91 year old grandmother spent two days with me over Thanksgiving and even she noticed how low my stress level was at the end of the day. After everyone had gone home for the evening, I looked at her said " I am usually exhausted by now but I don't feel very tired at all!" It was so nice to just sit at the table with her and chat about whatever we wanted to and not worry about someone being pissed cause we were talking to loud or bothering them. I am so grateful for that time with her on that day...who knows, she may not be here next year...
Last year it took me until about 5 days before Christmas to have my decorating done. I dragged my feet through the whole holiday. This year I am almost done decorating right now along with my shopping. I am actually looking forward to Christmas break and spending time with my kids.
I am ready to put this mess behind me...be happy...and get to the new year!
I have really been working on getting my shit together. Thanks to the motivation of my sweet friend I have actually gotten more paperwork done in the last week than I have in the last 6+ months.
Now all I need is money and I could put the majority of this big mess behind me.
This whole marriage thing is really just silly when you really think about it...How can it be soooo easy to GET married? You go down to the court house, show your ID, fill in maybe two sheets of paper, pay a fee and *PRESTO*....married. To get divorced I have to fill out what seems like 100+ pieces of paper, pay a lawyer far too much money, go to court, fight with the EX and when its all said and done I get a piece of paper that will say I am no longer legally married to him. Why does it have to be so complex? I want to be able to get divorced the same way I got married..simple.
Well, I guess that is not going to happen so this will be a character building exercise for me!
This two job thing really just plain old SUCKS!! I am getting zero in the way of child support, I may never get any from him to be honest and if I do it will be a long time coming.
So, I am now really at the point of how am I going to raise these two kids all by myself? That's the first thought on my mind when I get up in the morning and the last one before (when I actually do) sleep. I really doubt that I am going to be able to keep my house at this point, which is going to be the hardest thing in the world to have to tell my kids...it breaks my heart to be honest. But, it is what it is. I cannot change it nor would I at this point. I know that I have made the right decision for myself and ultimately for my kids as well.
Someone, that I haven't seen in months, saw me yesterday and carried on and on about how fantastic I looked, how much weight I have lost, even said that I looked 10 years younger than the last time she had seen me....
Right there is the biggest sign to me of all: I am happier, I look happier, I feel happier.
I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. This Thanksgiving was without a doubt in my mind the least stressful holiday that I have had in years...which is sad really, but very true. I didn't spend my holiday walking on eggshells. I didn't have someone breathing down my back all day long, watching everything I do, being negative all day and night....sucking the life and energy right out of me.
My 91 year old grandmother spent two days with me over Thanksgiving and even she noticed how low my stress level was at the end of the day. After everyone had gone home for the evening, I looked at her said " I am usually exhausted by now but I don't feel very tired at all!" It was so nice to just sit at the table with her and chat about whatever we wanted to and not worry about someone being pissed cause we were talking to loud or bothering them. I am so grateful for that time with her on that day...who knows, she may not be here next year...
Last year it took me until about 5 days before Christmas to have my decorating done. I dragged my feet through the whole holiday. This year I am almost done decorating right now along with my shopping. I am actually looking forward to Christmas break and spending time with my kids.
I am ready to put this mess behind me...be happy...and get to the new year!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
What am I waiting for?
What am I waiting for? This is the million dollar question today.
Why am I so unmotivated? This is the second million dollar question.
Yes, part of my life is a great big, huge mess. I know it, my friends know it.
So, what am I gonna do about it? The BIGGEST question of them all.
Now, some of my near and dear friends have been on me for MONTHS about this. They truly have the very best of intentions. They ask me questions... Have you filed for divorce yet? When are you gonna have all your paperwork done? When will it all be finalized? and I in turn give them the most generic, non answer that comes to mind. I know that they know, I am giving them a line of shit.
So what am I waiting for? I do NOT love my ex. anymore, there is absolutely NO doubt about that in my mind. I haven't in a long time, it is over, I am DONE. So what is the hold-up? I think that deep down, I wish I could just tap my heels together, make a wish and it would all be done..finished. I wouldn't have to deal with all the stress, drama and all the fucking paperwork. That is what I wish, I know I have to do the work but for some reason I am still wishing.
Why am I so unmotivated? I am overwhelmed. Simple. I don't know what to do, where to start. I am worried about my kids, how am I going to make ends meet, how in the hell am I going to do this all by myself. God knows that the only person in my family that actually supports me is my 90 year old grandma. Bless her heart. She actually gets it. She gets that I was so unhappy that I had to do this. Not just for myself but for my kids. If I would have stayed with him, one of two things were going to happen....he was either going to kill me or I would have let him squash the light out of me forever and walked this earth as a broken, empty shell.
So that leaves me at the last question. What am I going to do about it?
My sweet friend who was on the phone with me last night has made me look at this whole situation in a new light. Did he tell me anything that I don't already know or that someone else hasn't already said to me? Nope, not at all. What he did do was talk to me like he was a jerk, (which he is definitely not!) he was blunt and laid the truth out for me at my feet. He wasn't 'nice' about it...(nice is a word that I HATE, I would rather have the real blunt truth on any given day) I have GOT to get my shit together. I have to get this done, not just for myself but for my kids. MOST importantly for my FUTURE.....I cannot move forward until I take care of all the garbage that I am dragging around behind me..
Why am I so unmotivated? This is the second million dollar question.
Yes, part of my life is a great big, huge mess. I know it, my friends know it.
So, what am I gonna do about it? The BIGGEST question of them all.
Now, some of my near and dear friends have been on me for MONTHS about this. They truly have the very best of intentions. They ask me questions... Have you filed for divorce yet? When are you gonna have all your paperwork done? When will it all be finalized? and I in turn give them the most generic, non answer that comes to mind. I know that they know, I am giving them a line of shit.
So what am I waiting for? I do NOT love my ex. anymore, there is absolutely NO doubt about that in my mind. I haven't in a long time, it is over, I am DONE. So what is the hold-up? I think that deep down, I wish I could just tap my heels together, make a wish and it would all be done..finished. I wouldn't have to deal with all the stress, drama and all the fucking paperwork. That is what I wish, I know I have to do the work but for some reason I am still wishing.
Why am I so unmotivated? I am overwhelmed. Simple. I don't know what to do, where to start. I am worried about my kids, how am I going to make ends meet, how in the hell am I going to do this all by myself. God knows that the only person in my family that actually supports me is my 90 year old grandma. Bless her heart. She actually gets it. She gets that I was so unhappy that I had to do this. Not just for myself but for my kids. If I would have stayed with him, one of two things were going to happen....he was either going to kill me or I would have let him squash the light out of me forever and walked this earth as a broken, empty shell.
So that leaves me at the last question. What am I going to do about it?
My sweet friend who was on the phone with me last night has made me look at this whole situation in a new light. Did he tell me anything that I don't already know or that someone else hasn't already said to me? Nope, not at all. What he did do was talk to me like he was a jerk, (which he is definitely not!) he was blunt and laid the truth out for me at my feet. He wasn't 'nice' about it...(nice is a word that I HATE, I would rather have the real blunt truth on any given day) I have GOT to get my shit together. I have to get this done, not just for myself but for my kids. MOST importantly for my FUTURE.....I cannot move forward until I take care of all the garbage that I am dragging around behind me..
Monday, November 22, 2010
The clouds opened up...
So, I'm at work, sitting in my office talking to my friend on the phone. He is telling me all about his complicated life and the latest developments since I had spoken with him a few days ago.
As soon as I hang up...I swear the clouds opened up, the angels sang and a beam of light came down from the heavens!! I had a complete 'ah-ha' moment as I sat there at my desk.
I have been dating the exact same guy for the last 22 years of my life! I keep repeating the pattern over and over and over, it's the exact same type of man, he just has a different name! So, I have to call my girlfriend to tell her of my latest self discovery. She says to me "Well what is your type?" I think for a second and the first thought that comes to my mind is " tall, dumb, broke and broken"
So I have been thinking about this over the weekend, taking a trip down memory lane if you will. Now, don't get me wrong, there was a few decent boyfriends over the years and some not so decent. But they really all have one thing in common, they all have the exact same flaw. They all cannot handle the real Becky, they all try to change me into something that I am not.
Let me explain....I attract the guy that at first loves the fact that I am a very confident, independent thinking free spirt. They are attracted to the wild, crazy bitch, fun loving person that lives in the moment, says what she feels, take control of the situation person I am. What they don't see is that I am always like that, it is not an act. When they realize that is how I really am all the time it scares the shit out of them and they run the other way or they think they can somehow 'reform' me and get me to fit some mold that I don't want to be in. The very worst of them decide to just sit back, let me take the wheel and hold on tight in hopes that they make it through the ride to the end of the road.
In the end, they all try to extinguish the light inside of me.
Yes, I know this sounds a bit harsh, but I am telling you it is soooo true that it make the fuzzy place in my brain perfectly clear. I am totally seeing my world through a completely new set of eyes.
Now that I have figured this out I can no longer make excuses for myself again. I have to do better. I cannot under any circumstance keep doing this to myself.
So what I really need to seek is a guy that I have never dated before.
I need a guy that is self confident, independent, strong, who loves me for me and wouldn't change one single thing about me. I need the guy who takes me to a party, shows me off, lets me talk to whoever I want to and doesn't stand sulking in the corner. I need the guy who knows at the end of the day, no matter what, that I am going home with him and that is all he needs. I need the guy that lets me be a bitch when I want to but also knows how to be my soft place to fall when I need to. I need the guy that lets me take control and do what I want but is confident enough with himself that he can grab the wheel from me and take control too.
Most importantly he needs to feed my flame not extinguish my light.
As soon as I hang up...I swear the clouds opened up, the angels sang and a beam of light came down from the heavens!! I had a complete 'ah-ha' moment as I sat there at my desk.
I have been dating the exact same guy for the last 22 years of my life! I keep repeating the pattern over and over and over, it's the exact same type of man, he just has a different name! So, I have to call my girlfriend to tell her of my latest self discovery. She says to me "Well what is your type?" I think for a second and the first thought that comes to my mind is " tall, dumb, broke and broken"
So I have been thinking about this over the weekend, taking a trip down memory lane if you will. Now, don't get me wrong, there was a few decent boyfriends over the years and some not so decent. But they really all have one thing in common, they all have the exact same flaw. They all cannot handle the real Becky, they all try to change me into something that I am not.
Let me explain....I attract the guy that at first loves the fact that I am a very confident, independent thinking free spirt. They are attracted to the wild, crazy bitch, fun loving person that lives in the moment, says what she feels, take control of the situation person I am. What they don't see is that I am always like that, it is not an act. When they realize that is how I really am all the time it scares the shit out of them and they run the other way or they think they can somehow 'reform' me and get me to fit some mold that I don't want to be in. The very worst of them decide to just sit back, let me take the wheel and hold on tight in hopes that they make it through the ride to the end of the road.
In the end, they all try to extinguish the light inside of me.
Yes, I know this sounds a bit harsh, but I am telling you it is soooo true that it make the fuzzy place in my brain perfectly clear. I am totally seeing my world through a completely new set of eyes.
Now that I have figured this out I can no longer make excuses for myself again. I have to do better. I cannot under any circumstance keep doing this to myself.
So what I really need to seek is a guy that I have never dated before.
I need a guy that is self confident, independent, strong, who loves me for me and wouldn't change one single thing about me. I need the guy who takes me to a party, shows me off, lets me talk to whoever I want to and doesn't stand sulking in the corner. I need the guy who knows at the end of the day, no matter what, that I am going home with him and that is all he needs. I need the guy that lets me be a bitch when I want to but also knows how to be my soft place to fall when I need to. I need the guy that lets me take control and do what I want but is confident enough with himself that he can grab the wheel from me and take control too.
Most importantly he needs to feed my flame not extinguish my light.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Yup...they are blue
"Yes, I know." "Thank you!" "Really, yes I do hear that all the time!" "Yes they are real"----If I had a quarter for every time I have said those exact quotes in the last 37 years I could retire!!
Why am I saying this you ask? Because many have told me I have the bluest eyes they have ever seen.
I know this is kind of a strange blog topic. Really, I get asked about my eyes every single day so I figure I may as well just set the record straight and say my peace about it.
Yes, those are the real color of my eyes. They are not blue contacts. I have been told they are the color of the sky, that they look like water, that they are so clear you can see to my soul. (really? I think that was just a pick up line)
When I was 6 years old I was with my grandmother and we had to pick up her car at the dealership. Now, it was winter time so I had on a white fur looking coat (why I remember this I have no idea) but I am sure that the white made my blue eyes pop! We had to walk through the service department to get the car....all I remember is the guys that were working, they were going completely ape shit over me with my blue eyes, blond curly hair and that little fur coat. I really had no idea what the big fuss was about so I just stood there and smiled.
So as I grew older I realized how much guys liked my eyes and I learned to use them to my advantage.
Batting those baby blues = getting what you want.
I do know how to use them to my advantage and most of the time it really does work. I have even used them to get out of speeding tickets (45mph in a 25mph) They work for just about anything really....as long as there is a guy standing in front of me that will look me in the eye.
I had a man say to my ex one day " How in the hell can you even talk to her all day man, her eyes are totally freaking me out!!" I guess he would never be able to handle me then!
I really enjoy it when I can just stand there and get some guy totally nervous, to the point that he is dropping things, acting like a high school kid....whatever. I know that this may sound a bit conceited but I swear it is true.
I would really like is to hear a nice compliment once in awhile that is NOT about my eyes. Lets see.... nice smile, great sense of humor, or any positive comment about anything other then my eyes would be nice, just to mix it up a bit.
A person I truly consider a gentleman and friend asked me one day " Who is the lucky man that gets to look into those beautiful blue eyes for the rest of his life?"
Me, being the smart ass I am, said "What guy?"
His reply--" He is out there milady I trust that he will be found! I trust that he is out there for you somewhere and you will someday have the same happiness that I have found for myself"
God I hope he is right!
Why am I saying this you ask? Because many have told me I have the bluest eyes they have ever seen.
I know this is kind of a strange blog topic. Really, I get asked about my eyes every single day so I figure I may as well just set the record straight and say my peace about it.
Yes, those are the real color of my eyes. They are not blue contacts. I have been told they are the color of the sky, that they look like water, that they are so clear you can see to my soul. (really? I think that was just a pick up line)
When I was 6 years old I was with my grandmother and we had to pick up her car at the dealership. Now, it was winter time so I had on a white fur looking coat (why I remember this I have no idea) but I am sure that the white made my blue eyes pop! We had to walk through the service department to get the car....all I remember is the guys that were working, they were going completely ape shit over me with my blue eyes, blond curly hair and that little fur coat. I really had no idea what the big fuss was about so I just stood there and smiled.
So as I grew older I realized how much guys liked my eyes and I learned to use them to my advantage.
Batting those baby blues = getting what you want.
I do know how to use them to my advantage and most of the time it really does work. I have even used them to get out of speeding tickets (45mph in a 25mph) They work for just about anything really....as long as there is a guy standing in front of me that will look me in the eye.
I had a man say to my ex one day " How in the hell can you even talk to her all day man, her eyes are totally freaking me out!!" I guess he would never be able to handle me then!
I really enjoy it when I can just stand there and get some guy totally nervous, to the point that he is dropping things, acting like a high school kid....whatever. I know that this may sound a bit conceited but I swear it is true.
I would really like is to hear a nice compliment once in awhile that is NOT about my eyes. Lets see.... nice smile, great sense of humor, or any positive comment about anything other then my eyes would be nice, just to mix it up a bit.
A person I truly consider a gentleman and friend asked me one day " Who is the lucky man that gets to look into those beautiful blue eyes for the rest of his life?"
Me, being the smart ass I am, said "What guy?"
His reply--" He is out there milady I trust that he will be found! I trust that he is out there for you somewhere and you will someday have the same happiness that I have found for myself"
God I hope he is right!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
In your life for a reason...
I have been really thinking about the people that are in or out of my life right now...
I really believe in that old saying people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Since my life has changed so dramatically over the last 9+ months, I can really take a step back and look at this with a new found clarity.
Do I regret one particular person being in my life? I can honestly say no. Without that experience I would not have my two fantastic children. I have no regrets at all but I am ready to move forward and get on with living the rest of my life.
I have recently had some people re-enter my life. Which I find very, very interesting.
One of them is someone that I was inseparable from years ago and cannot say why we ever drifted apart. It seems almost as if we started right where we left off, long lost sisters if you will. The time that has passed does not seem to have affected our friendship. This is really not surprising to me....a life long friend.
I have someone else that has recently found their way back to me. This person just kind of fell off the face of the earth..came back for a few guest appearances..and has now materialized out of no where. I wonder why they have shown up now? Is there more I need to learn from this person? Why them? Why now? What fascinates me about them reappearing is that I really thought I was very insignificant in their life when our paths crossed, that I was not ever thought about. According to them, I have that all wrong....I am interested to see if they are a reason or a season.
I have two very dear friends that came into my life two years ago that were meant to be with me on the very journey I am traveling right now. They both really are my rock and I honestly don't think I would have been able to get though the last year without them. They make me laugh, have seen me cry and listen to every single crazy story that I tell them. They definitely are in my life for a reason and I am grateful for them both.
Last but not least, is a friend that just entered my life by complete chance. I think they are one of the most interesting people I have met in quite some time. Something about them just intrigues me very much.
I wonder why we have crossed paths, what will I learn from them...
I really believe in that old saying people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Since my life has changed so dramatically over the last 9+ months, I can really take a step back and look at this with a new found clarity.
Do I regret one particular person being in my life? I can honestly say no. Without that experience I would not have my two fantastic children. I have no regrets at all but I am ready to move forward and get on with living the rest of my life.
I have recently had some people re-enter my life. Which I find very, very interesting.
One of them is someone that I was inseparable from years ago and cannot say why we ever drifted apart. It seems almost as if we started right where we left off, long lost sisters if you will. The time that has passed does not seem to have affected our friendship. This is really not surprising to me....a life long friend.
I have someone else that has recently found their way back to me. This person just kind of fell off the face of the earth..came back for a few guest appearances..and has now materialized out of no where. I wonder why they have shown up now? Is there more I need to learn from this person? Why them? Why now? What fascinates me about them reappearing is that I really thought I was very insignificant in their life when our paths crossed, that I was not ever thought about. According to them, I have that all wrong....I am interested to see if they are a reason or a season.
I have two very dear friends that came into my life two years ago that were meant to be with me on the very journey I am traveling right now. They both really are my rock and I honestly don't think I would have been able to get though the last year without them. They make me laugh, have seen me cry and listen to every single crazy story that I tell them. They definitely are in my life for a reason and I am grateful for them both.
Last but not least, is a friend that just entered my life by complete chance. I think they are one of the most interesting people I have met in quite some time. Something about them just intrigues me very much.
I wonder why we have crossed paths, what will I learn from them...
Sunday, November 14, 2010
You define how people treat you....
My girlfriend said to me a few days ago..." Well he gets extra credit in my book cause he actually TOOK you somewhere!!"
Do I know this as the truth? Well hell YES I do! I know it as true but yet don't want to admit to myself that she is right on the money with this very comment. She said this to me because she is a REAL friend to me, she loves me, cares about me. She knows that I appreciate the honesty, she knows I would say the exact same thing to her if I needed to.
So I have really been thinking about this the last few days and have decided that WE define how people treat us.
You are the one that shows people how you want to be treated. We do this all day with every person we see. From our kids, spouse, friends, family, co-workers and every single person that crosses our path every single day.
If someone doesn't want to go out on an actual date with you in the beginning they never will. Once a booty call, always a booty call. If that is all you wanted from them, than that is fine but don't expect any take backs on the deal. Chances are you won't get it.
We all need to stop making excuses for people too. If someone says they are going to do something and don't follow thru with it, that should be a sign to you. That is the universe trying to tell you something, so don't ignore it....pay attention!! If you ignore it for too long the world will give you a big smack upside your head someday!
I used to make excuses for someone all the time...oh I bet he was just busy, maybe they worked late or were tired or had their kid...the list goes on and on and on and on!
Well no more! I deserve better. I am a fantastic person and if someone cannot see that about me then I guess they don't need to be a part of my life let alone in my bed. I am not the problem, they are the one with the problem.
If I cannot stand up for myself and demand better than who else is going to?
Do I know this as the truth? Well hell YES I do! I know it as true but yet don't want to admit to myself that she is right on the money with this very comment. She said this to me because she is a REAL friend to me, she loves me, cares about me. She knows that I appreciate the honesty, she knows I would say the exact same thing to her if I needed to.
So I have really been thinking about this the last few days and have decided that WE define how people treat us.
You are the one that shows people how you want to be treated. We do this all day with every person we see. From our kids, spouse, friends, family, co-workers and every single person that crosses our path every single day.
If someone doesn't want to go out on an actual date with you in the beginning they never will. Once a booty call, always a booty call. If that is all you wanted from them, than that is fine but don't expect any take backs on the deal. Chances are you won't get it.
We all need to stop making excuses for people too. If someone says they are going to do something and don't follow thru with it, that should be a sign to you. That is the universe trying to tell you something, so don't ignore it....pay attention!! If you ignore it for too long the world will give you a big smack upside your head someday!
I used to make excuses for someone all the time...oh I bet he was just busy, maybe they worked late or were tired or had their kid...the list goes on and on and on and on!
Well no more! I deserve better. I am a fantastic person and if someone cannot see that about me then I guess they don't need to be a part of my life let alone in my bed. I am not the problem, they are the one with the problem.
If I cannot stand up for myself and demand better than who else is going to?
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tired of making decisions....
So a comment I made to my friend today really got me thinking about decisions that we make....
I make decisions all day, from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. What to wear, what to eat, where to go. I make decisions all day for work. I make decisions at home... not only for myself but for my two kids as well.
Well you know what, I am tired of it all!
Don't get me wrong I am a very self confident woman. I enjoy doing what I want to do, when I want to do it and doing it how I want it done.
But somewhere, deep down...it would be nice for just a few hours maybe even a whole day if I could stop the madness and just turn my brain to OFF! Let someone else decide what we are doing, where we should go. Hell, I would love for someone to just decide what is for dinner and cook it. I would sit down and happily eat it, not saying a word about it. ( I know you guys are thinking 'I bet she would still bitch about something, it wouldn't be right') Well, I wouldn't, I would eat it and keep my mouth shut!
How did we as women get this way? I really have no idea. Is it the control that we seek over everything that makes us this way? Have the people in our life just gotten lazy and are incapable to decide anything? Are we afraid to let a man decide something for us? Do we not trust our children to make any decisions either? This cannot be healthy for them. Are we going to raise an entire generation that can't decide anything?
Well, as of today, I have decided that the next time someone asks me to make a decision on something I am going to tell them to make it and see what happens. What could be the worst thing that could happen? I would have to give up control of something? It could turn out to be a total disaster but it could also turn into something fun, different, exciting, new...........
I make decisions all day, from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. What to wear, what to eat, where to go. I make decisions all day for work. I make decisions at home... not only for myself but for my two kids as well.
Well you know what, I am tired of it all!
Don't get me wrong I am a very self confident woman. I enjoy doing what I want to do, when I want to do it and doing it how I want it done.
But somewhere, deep down...it would be nice for just a few hours maybe even a whole day if I could stop the madness and just turn my brain to OFF! Let someone else decide what we are doing, where we should go. Hell, I would love for someone to just decide what is for dinner and cook it. I would sit down and happily eat it, not saying a word about it. ( I know you guys are thinking 'I bet she would still bitch about something, it wouldn't be right') Well, I wouldn't, I would eat it and keep my mouth shut!
How did we as women get this way? I really have no idea. Is it the control that we seek over everything that makes us this way? Have the people in our life just gotten lazy and are incapable to decide anything? Are we afraid to let a man decide something for us? Do we not trust our children to make any decisions either? This cannot be healthy for them. Are we going to raise an entire generation that can't decide anything?
Well, as of today, I have decided that the next time someone asks me to make a decision on something I am going to tell them to make it and see what happens. What could be the worst thing that could happen? I would have to give up control of something? It could turn out to be a total disaster but it could also turn into something fun, different, exciting, new...........
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Day 2 of this weird blog thing that I am not sure why I am doing but here goes...
I've been working on moving some of the nosey and/or non-supportive people out of my life right now as well as off my FB page. If someone can't accept the decisions that I have made for my own happiness than screw them!! I am just so sick of it all to be honest. I just want to live my life and have fun doing it...life is too short. We should all try to live in the moment more than what we do. Take a chance and let life happen. I am not saying we should just go crazy and do whatever the hell we want by any means. I just want to laugh and have some fun now and then. I want to feel alive!
I was told by someone yesterday that I am a ball of energy..full of life. Really, I have to agree with them on that one. I think that is why I am a people magnet...the girls at work say I have 'fairy blood' and that is why I attract all of the unique friends I have in my life. Like I am Sookie on True Blood or something!!
I do love people. I love to talk to them, learn their story, see what makes them tick, ask questions. I think that I thrive on being around people. People just energize me. When I am around people is when I am really the happiest.
I think that a certain someone who is no longer in my life knew that I had a love for people and they would try to keep me away from everyone just to keep me in their 'world'. They used to hate how I had friends that wanted to be around me, wanted to hang out and go places with me. That is one of the reasons they are my past and not my future.
People can judge me, say what they want to about me...I am at the point that I really don't care anymore. It is my life and I am going to live it the way I want to. I sometimes wonder to myself if things I do are a little over the top, am I acting my age? But really, you are only as old as you feel. I am by no means 'old' so why should I act like I am?
I guess that one thing I have held onto through my life is my unpredictablness..is that even a word? I am unpredictable, not by just the things I do but the things I say. You never know what is going to roll out of this mouth of mine. Sometimes I am not sure why the things that come out of it do or even where they come from. I guess that is part of my charm.
I was told by someone yesterday that I am a ball of energy..full of life. Really, I have to agree with them on that one. I think that is why I am a people magnet...the girls at work say I have 'fairy blood' and that is why I attract all of the unique friends I have in my life. Like I am Sookie on True Blood or something!!
I do love people. I love to talk to them, learn their story, see what makes them tick, ask questions. I think that I thrive on being around people. People just energize me. When I am around people is when I am really the happiest.
I think that a certain someone who is no longer in my life knew that I had a love for people and they would try to keep me away from everyone just to keep me in their 'world'. They used to hate how I had friends that wanted to be around me, wanted to hang out and go places with me. That is one of the reasons they are my past and not my future.
People can judge me, say what they want to about me...I am at the point that I really don't care anymore. It is my life and I am going to live it the way I want to. I sometimes wonder to myself if things I do are a little over the top, am I acting my age? But really, you are only as old as you feel. I am by no means 'old' so why should I act like I am?
I guess that one thing I have held onto through my life is my unpredictablness..is that even a word? I am unpredictable, not by just the things I do but the things I say. You never know what is going to roll out of this mouth of mine. Sometimes I am not sure why the things that come out of it do or even where they come from. I guess that is part of my charm.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Day number one here we go!!
My friend thinks this will be good for me to blog out my life and get some of these random, crazy and funny thoughts out of my head. I think it could be too, just as long as I don't get myself into trouble with anyone..which I am sure I will by the time it is all said and done with. ( I will make sure to not use any ones real name..LOL)
For some reason my friends find me funny (well, most of the time I think they do) I usually tell it how I see it. People either love that about me or they hate it. I say what I think. I wish that more people were like that, quit beating around the bush and just freaking say it!!
Speaking of bush...I also have a wicked cool sense of humor that can sometimes get me into trouble. The lunch topic from yesterday is still the talk in the office today....manscaping. Yes, we did talk about that during lunch yesterday! Why?? I really have no idea to be honest. We did have some good laughs over it tho. Not to mention that we did act like a bunch of pigs (well I did anyway) and try to guess whether the male waiters at the restaurant 'manscaped' or not...bad, I am just plain bad!
Alright, I guess that is enough for now...I don't want to scare anyone away on the first day!
For some reason my friends find me funny (well, most of the time I think they do) I usually tell it how I see it. People either love that about me or they hate it. I say what I think. I wish that more people were like that, quit beating around the bush and just freaking say it!!
Speaking of bush...I also have a wicked cool sense of humor that can sometimes get me into trouble. The lunch topic from yesterday is still the talk in the office today....manscaping. Yes, we did talk about that during lunch yesterday! Why?? I really have no idea to be honest. We did have some good laughs over it tho. Not to mention that we did act like a bunch of pigs (well I did anyway) and try to guess whether the male waiters at the restaurant 'manscaped' or not...bad, I am just plain bad!
Alright, I guess that is enough for now...I don't want to scare anyone away on the first day!
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